‘You will change once you have baby’.
It’s a phrase I am hearing a lot lately.
No, I will fucking not.
The people telling me this always mean this: Once I am a parent I will quit my ‘bad’ habits.
Think about that.
1. It just not true
So there are no messed up parents?
Parents automatically become healthily functioning human beings? Really? We all know people with kids can be just as messed up as people without kids. Hello, even DonaldTrump has a bunch of kids. It certainly didn’t make him a better person.
Maybe these people have faith in me. You know, William is basically a good guy. Once he has kids he will quit his -unspecified- bad habits, because a good guy prioritizes his kids.
To some extent.
But it certainly won’t stop me craving massive attention. It certainly won’t stop me from hating our political system and socio-economic neoliberal Zeitgeist, it won’t make me less lonely, and it most definitely will not stop me enjoying the company of witty attractive women (henceforth to be known as WAWs).
2. It makes my therapist’s heart sound the alarm like a Polish village seeing the Mongol horde approach…
Having a child is NOT the way to fix your own needs.
A friend told me last week that she thinks having a child will finally make her forget the fact that her boyfriend treats her like she is just a doll to be fucked – that’s essentially their relationship if she would be honest enough to admit it.
And that baby would be the center of her universe, she would pour all her boundless nurturing love on that baby, and she would magically unfuck herself.
Oh God, poor baby… Should we schedule his therapy sessions for when he turns 18 and has trouble forming healthy relationships right now? Just to have it arranged.
A child is not going to fix me.
It’s not the role of the child to fix anything. If a child needs to fix the parent, guess what, the future adult is gonna need a lot of fixing of his/her own.
I know my children will feel my pain, my losses, my frustration, my recurring longing to not be alive anymore, and my recurring longing to live MORE. I swing between two extremes, even though I would not say I am bipolar. I’ve tried a bunch of labels, none of them really fit. I just hope to unfuck myself well enough to not bother them too much with it.
I profoundly agree with this Jung quote:
‘The biggest influence in the life of a child is the unlived life of the parent’.
Boy is that true.
Years ago, long before I had ever heard of this quote, I saw it in myself. How I was trying to live through everything my father did not fully experience. I saw it in a girlfriend, how the unlived dreams of her mother starting influencing her more and more and how dissatisfied she became.
I do not wish that upon my children and it will be very hard, probably impossible to avoid.
Apart from telling me that children will magically make my problems vanish into thin air. There are two other things people do.
Let’s list them all.
1. They tell me a child will suddenly turn me into something like a saint. Wrong. See above.
2. They tell me I won’t have time for anything anymore. Am not going to spend much time on debunking this one. I know people with kids. They fucking waste time on a whole lotta bullshit not related to their kids. I WILL still have time for the things I do. The absurdity of this statement… If this were true every human who had kids ever would have basically stopped living. Look at the history books. People with kids did stuff. So will I. Stop telling me I won’t have time anymore when I will have kids. If I can find time to combine all the passions I have now, I am sure I can add a baby to the mix. I will just cut back on the useless social media scrolling that everybody is doing more than they wish to admit.
3. They ask me if I am looking forward to it.
Please quit asking me this question if you are someone that meets me on a regular basis. Just stop.
No, I am not looking forward to it in the regular sense.
I am looking forward to it like a soldier is looking forward to going into a battle on the morrow believing in victory but knowing that perhaps he will die or be seriously wounded.
I would be a really total nutcase or complete idiot if I would be looking forward to having children as though it’s going to be some picknick.
I have a whole lotta emotional shit I can potentionally pass on.
My first born son will be called Bruno, after his grandfather. A wonderfully witty, intelligent, creative, talented, hard-working, and in his own way very loving man. Who took his own life, as did his own father. Who, when I was a child, regularly treated with to wild scenarios in which he would gun down his co-workers. A man with a hell of a lot of anger that he could not channel, unless in a way, through bodybuilding, writing and listening to music. And insanely violent out loud day dreaming about shooting up his work place. And the neighbours. And a bunch of politicans.
And that’s just scratching the surface.
There’s darkness in me. There’s bright shining light as well. Hell, people who don’t know me too well say that I am always in a good mood. HAHA!!!!
No, really, I would be the fucking KING of a lack of self-awareness if I would be giddily looking forward to having children.
For a long time I thought it was simply criminal to have children. I still think it’s a narcissistic SIN to reproduce. I agree with an ex-colleague of mine over at the Belgian communist party: ‘People not having children should be able to sell their emission rights to others who do pollute the world with their children’. I know some wonderful childless human beings whose emission rights I would happily buy.
In the end something like family honor – if that’s a thing – prevailed. And I want my father to live on through his blood.
I want to create human beings that will be better than most other people. Ow God, see what a burden am already putting on those unborn shoulders.
I am fairly confident that Zuzi will balance my craziness.
We did a test to see what we want for our kids.
She just wants them to be happy.
Great, rationally I know that’s the healhy thing to wish for.
According to the same test I want my children to be succesful, creative, outstanding, authority challenging rebels. (The women I fall in love with, but too much in love to have a workable relationship, get the same result on this test).
Am looking forward to it?
Let’s say am as ready as I will ever be.
It’s going to be confronting.
It’s gonna be like walking an emotional minefield.
The very odd thing is that people tell me am going to be a great father.
Perhaps that’s just a thing they have to say.
The friend who’s known me the longest said.
You as father? That can go spectacularly right or spectacularly wrong…
The kind of stuff I have written in this blog post is why this website will never be popular. It’s just too fucking honest.
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